I have always wanted to bear children, I just had many obstacles detouring me from the path to motherhood. I like to think life happened to delay the timeline so that I could be stronger, wiser and most importantly meet the perfect father for my children. I was blessed to become a stepmom to three kids, 2 of whom are in my life regularly. It was an easy role to dive into not having bonded with them as children but I do love them and I pray for them always. Still, I feel that void of not having had a child of my own to raise as a mother. It’s easy for us to dwell on the bumps in the road like the years wasted in a bad relationship and now your eggs are numbered and maybe not good enough anymore. Even as I found my prince to spend my future days with, life was full of surprises that love and marriage doesn’t lead to baby carriage. That haunting…’not yet’ reminder was there in life always following me: a low ovarian reserve, fibroids, narrow canal, and the dreaded older age. The ups and downs in life can test your faith but I always come back to prayer. I try and say to myself like a mantra: “God has taken you this far, He will see you through it”. I pray the hardest I’ve ever prayed and making deals that I will give up all material things and live a simple life if I can just raise a healthy child of my own. I don’t know what is in store for me but I have to believe it is in my favor for God favors his children. I have to believe that all of the medical challenges I’ve overcome and what my husband has gone through are because God is on our side. He wants to see that healthy baby in our arms. I sit here hopeful, determined and impatiently waiting. Doing all I can do to keep my mind occupied with positive thoughts.
I will leave this entry with a beautiful message from God. On Fathers Day, I took bloodworm and by mid morning received news that my estrogen levels were too low. I came home with the Rx prescribed to fix that issue, sat in my car and prayed. When I looked up, I saw a cross appearing on my number block. I have always looked for signs when I was worried and to me, this was the greatest sign to receive from the Father on Father’s Day. Its no longer there, the light and shadows that God paired together to make this image appear were just there long enough for me to notice.